September is a wonderful month of anniversaries for me. On September 8, I celebrate miraculously surviving an auto accident. September 20 marks my wedding anniversary, which is a testimony for another time. September 25 is my favorite anniversary of all.
When I wrote my testimony of September 8, I promised to share this miracle story, too. I was not expecting to write or promise it, but my fingers did the walking and here we are. In that post, I spoke of receiving a mandate from the Lord in which He told me I was going to go through a few more things, and then He was going to use me. I mentioned what I had not caught in the moment was the “few more things” clause. I did not realize a few more things would take seven years. I also mentioned I had struggled with suicidal thoughts for many years until this event took place. I did not have a suicidal thought again for those seven years of “a few more things.” You can read the September 8 blog first by clicking here.
In this post I will not recount the seven years in any depth, not for self-protection but because the people who are involved are living and it would only serve to glorify the darkness. This testimony is for the sole purpose of glorifying Jesus. I will say I hit a slippery slope I did not want to be on but seemed to have no way to overcome it no matter how much I wanted to. I never stopped believing in the Lord and He showed up for me in many ways as He is faithful even when we are not (2 Timothy 2:13).
I mentioned in my post on September 8 I had been suicidal for many years up to the point of my accident. The one thing that stopped me every time was seeing a picture of my dad in my mind and I knew I could not hurt him by taking my own life. In August of 1992, just shy of the seven-year mark from my car accident, I found myself living in a situation I was not proud of and I did not see a way out or a way forward in my life. I had lived seven hard shame-filled years which left me feeling worthless. Strange how the way we feel about ourselves will direct us to people who will treat us the way we feel. My estimation of myself was consistently confirmed by those I chose to spend my time with. I did not think I was worthy of better – neither did they.
I thought to myself, if this is all there is to life and I live to be sixty, I don’t want to do this anymore. I went to the spare room upstairs in the house I was living in and took a rifle from the cabinet. I had the rifle because it was part of my inheritance when my dad passed in early 1991. He had been gone more than a year and a half and this time when I contemplated suicide there would be no picture of him in my mind to stop me.
I placed the barrel of the rifle firmly against the roof of my mouth. The butt of the rifle was on the floor between my feet, my left thumb on the trigger. It was late enough to already be dark outside as I sat on the edge of the spare room bed. I pressed the trigger to take the play out of it. Just a little more pressure on the trigger and my worries would be gone. I, in my mind, said my last goodbye to the universe and something strange and beautiful happened.
Whenever I would pray as a little girl, I would wait to feel Jesus’ presence with me before I began. No one ever taught me this it was just the way I had always done it. I do not know a time when I did not know the Lord or have this experience. At the moment I was saying goodbye to the universe, the very sweet presence of Jesus I knew as a little girl entered the dark bedroom. I recognized Him immediately. I can still tell you where He was standing. Though I could not see Him with my eyes, His presence was palpable and my heart burned within me as it had done so many times in my past.
He said, “Give Me another chance.”
I always laugh at this because it is so ludicrous for the Lord God of All to ask me to give Him another chance. This is completely backward and it is completely Who and how He is. He does not lord it over those who are His, He instead does all He can to bring them safely to His eternal shores.
What He meant in His words was to invite me to give faith one more try. I understood this immediately, of course, but the words don’t carry the same intention when I share them. I responded, “Lord, I keep going back [to church] but no one will help me. Send someone to show me the way.” Then I committed to doing the things I knew to do or should I say stop doing the things I knew I should not be doing. The miracles began even before this day, but they became apparent to me immediately after this day.
My first order of business was to find an apartment of my own. I needed to get out of my living situation. I went to work at my job in Beaverton, Oregon and a coworker asked if I had checked the apartments right down the street. I had not. I called and they had an apartment that would challenge my budget, but I took it hoping it would all work out. I moved in in less than a week.
This miracle meant I would be able to walk to work and save on gas mileage. I rented a fifteen-foot moving truck and loaded it by myself except for one piece the neighbor helped me with. I moved toward the end of the month so my move-in cost was $120 and somehow there was no first/last or deposit required though I had no references. I had just enough to buy the things I needed to supply my new little home.
When my dad passed, I used the insurance money to put myself through medical secretary school. I had this job for several months working in a medical office. There was no room for me in the secretary pool so I had been put at the nurse’s station where I befriended a kind older nurse named Barbara. She didn’t miss an opportunity to tell me I had value. It was weird because she was the only one. She told me I didn’t deserve the way I was being treated and so on. In case it isn’t obvious to you yet, because it wasn’t to me, she was the one Jesus had sent. He sent her months before our encounter on that dark August night.
I had committed my life to Jesus and my internal thought was, my life is over; I’m never going to have fun again. I did the best I could. I was lonely but I was determined not to return to what I had been. When I left the town I had been living in and drove away in the fifteen-foot moving van, I did so in the pre-dawn hours to avoid being seen. I slipped away and left no forwarding address or phone number. I needed to leave it all, to run from every temptation and every voice that would tell me I did not deserve better.
I began to hear on the radio Billy Graham was bringing his crusade to Portland, Oregon. I mentioned to my friend, Barbara, that I would like to go, but I did not know that part of town very well and I always got lost in that area. You know, way back then we couldn’t just pull GPS up on our phones. I was a small-town girl terrified of getting lost in the big city where I feared a map would not do me any good.
I barely got the words out to Barbara who immediately said, “Milton and I will take you. We will pick you up from work, feed you, and take you!” There was no arguing if I had wanted to argue with her, which I did not. I was grateful to my older friend.
Sure enough, Milton picked us up from work and drove us to their house for a hotdog dinner. We then made our way to the Civic Auditorium and it was already packed out. We followed the massive crowd to the overflow stadium where we made ourselves comfortable on the grass.
I remember Buck Williams of the Trailblazers was there and spoke. I was very impressed. Then, Johnny Cash and June Carter-Cash joined Billy on stage. Johnny gave a message that melted me. I was so amazed to find this country artist that resonates in my childhood so strongly and was such a favorite of my mother was standing there telling me about Jesus. It was surreal. Then, Billy Graham.
He took to the microphone and began to teach scripture and talk about things I always somehow knew were true but I’d never heard anyone say them before. Then he related them to scripture and this miracle-working God. He was confident and humble. He confessed he didn’t know how God did it because it was a miracle. All I know is I wanted very much to go forward and give my heart to Jesus when he made the invitation. This was what I had been looking for my whole life.
When Reverend Graham made the invitation to come forward it was late and being a September night, it was getting cold. I thought to myself, Milton and Barbara are old, they probably want to go home to their warm house and go to bed. It had not yet occurred to me this was the moment they had been investing their time in me for. Tears were hanging heavy on my lower eyelids as Barbara turned to me and said, “If you want to go forward, I will go with you.” All I could do was nod.
The next thing I knew we were on our feet and she had me by the wrist. I could hardly keep up with her. She, this “old lady”, was dragging me forward yelling while waving her opposite hand high in the air, “This girl needs a counselor! This girl needs a counselor!” I was embarrassed, but she was right. I needed a counselor!
A very nice lady with brown hair from the Rosewood District of Portland asked me if I wanted to give my heart to Jesus and I said I did. She led me through a prayer and I felt power and light burst into the top of my head through my body and out my fingers and toes and I felt clean for the first time in many years. I was changed in a moment just like Billy said would happen. It was a miracle he nor I could explain, but one for which we are both eternally grateful. It was Friday night, September 25, 1992.
I went back with Milton and Barbara to the crusade the next morning then to church with them on Sunday. After church, I joined them at their home for lunch where Milton presented me with a dusty-rose-colored Thompson Chain-Reference NIV Bible. He said, “It’s dusty rose just like you.” I still have it. It is one of my greatest treasures. They also told me they paid my way to go to their women’s retreat the next weekend. We would be leaving Friday after work. I thought this might all be going a little too fast.
I was so nervous to go. I was still thinking my life was over and I would never have fun again. I ended up in the bunk directly below the pastor’s wife. I thought, oh great, no pressure. This is going to be so boring.
We went to our first meeting and it was like someone sent a memo (pre-email) to the speaker about my life at work and the difficulties I was having there. Her story exactly resembled mine and I was blown away. Then everything the church I was with did they included me as though I was one of them. They made me get up in front of everyone with them and sing a song I did not know nor could I sing. Yet they loved, accepted, and included me as I was.
Later that night in our bunks – me below the pastor’s wife – we were laughing so hard. I hadn’t laughed like that in a long time. A very long time. As I lay there laughing to the point of tears, I realized, I can be a Christian and have fun too! It was one of many profound revelations I’ve had over the years. Why didn’t anyone ever tell me my life did not end with Jesus but instead it begins with Him?
I testify of the goodness of God, His faithfulness, and His ability to save to the uttermost. He has given me a testimony to glorify Him and I hope I have done Him justice. I also hope you know you are never too far gone to experience this life-changing miracle neither I nor Billy Graham can explain. The prayer I prayed with the nice lady from the Rosewood District went something like this:
Jesus, I know I am a sinner who needs a Savior.
I believe You are that Savior.
Forgive my sins, Lord, and wash me clean from my head to my toes.
Thank you, Jesus, for forgiving me.
Fill me with Your Holy Spirit
I commit to serve you for the rest of my life.
Amen
It isn’t the words so much as it is the heart behind them. If you have prayed this prayer, I encourage you to get involved in a Christian community where you can learn and grow in your faith. Until then, I recommend you get a Bible and begin by reading the book of John.
Wherefore [Jesus] is able also to save them to the uttermost
that come unto God by him, seeing he ever liveth to make intercession for them.
Hebrews 7:25