Two women I have known have impacted me in ways I did not expect. These two women were not mentors or spiritual giants from which I gleaned important lessons. These women stretched my patience, took more than I wanted to give, and though I loved them in Christ, they were not my go-to gals for a coffee date. They were work. They were the definition of ministry and dying to self.
The first was passive-aggressive and excelled at back-handed compliments. She also was older and a little socially awkward. She would call and invite me to something and then once I said yes, would explain to me that I had to drive to her house in the country and give her a ride to the coffee shop near my house. She was devout in her walk with Christ and had walked faithfully for many years.
The second lady was fresh from the world and dipping in and out of Christianity. I found out later there was an issue with alcohol besides desperately low self-esteem. She lived in squaller and as much as I tried to help her connect with resources for a better living situation, she would not/could not find the more for herself. She used to call in the middle of the night drunk and would consistently bring all of her troubles to me – for me to fix, not help her find her way through.
The first lady called me for a coffee date. I expected to drive by this time, so at least my heart was right there when the trap was set. I drove to the country, picked her up, and drove her to the coffee shop she chose. She said she could buy my coffee and told me what coffee I could have. I thanked her and accepted the sugary treat when all I wanted was a black coffee then I drove us to the park near my house.
She brought out a photo album of her life and began to share it with me. May I just confess here I was not at all interested. I was just being polite as my mother taught me. I was not Christlike in my heart at all. I was just wondering how long I had to engage this woman until she felt I had given her substantial time. This was the day she taught me a great lesson without even knowing what she had done. At least, I don’t think she knew.
She told me of her wonderful upbringing and showed me that she had been a beauty queen as a teen. She shared other things about her life and I sat stunned. I would never have guessed this was who she once was. In her defense, there were some chemical imbalance issues in her brain and she really could not help being some of the ways she was. Yes, this made me feel even worse for the ugly inside of me.
The lessons I learned from her in the park that day drinking the coffee I was allotted to have was, that everyone has a story and everyone’s story is worth hearing. People get older, but they are not the sum total of what I see before me. I need to know people, not react to them. I need to be interested enough to get past the perception and I need to not write off those who are of a different generation because I have no idea what greatness lies in their story. I need to draw it out.
The second lady was very needy and deeply dysfunctional. As long as I knew her I was one of a few she brought all of her troubles to with great dramatic flair. Everything was a crisis and she could not love herself enough to fight for herself. It was a frustrating situation because I continually gave her good advice and encouragement, but I knew I could not do life for her. I could only point and stand alongside her. It was exhausting and disappointing – continually.
Finally, someone else came along and walked her through changing her living situation and beginning to love herself. It was a little frustrating to see someone else walk in and do what I could not do with such ease. Yet, I had to realize some plant seed, some water, and some harvest. Many of us had a hand in watering those seeds. She seemed happy and she was growing in Christ, yet I remained her dumping ground.
This made me think she was not really maturing in Christ as much as I’d like to see. I continued to love her and advise her and pray for her. Then she passed on to Jesus unexpectedly. In a way, I was happy for her because I knew where she was and all the issues she’d been struggling through were gone and only joy remained for her.
I went to her funeral service and this was where she taught me a valuable lesson. I was surprised by three or four ladies who stood up and spoke about her. I didn’t have anything appropriate to share because that was not our relationship, but these ladies. They talked about how she had ministered good advice to them and pointed them back to Jesus when they were struggling. Once again I was stunned.
I had no idea she had grown to a place where she was also ministering to others. My only experience with her was the point of her need. I had no idea she internalized my – and others’ – biblical advice so much so it was coming back out of her and ministering to others. Some of these ladies were very seasoned Christians who spoke of how she had ministered to them. I was stunned, yes; but I was also thrilled to hear these beautiful testimonies.
Then I realized there was someone in my life who I held in such high esteem I also brought them only my struggles. I realized I had to do better by them and I changed my course. She also taught me a valuable lesson somewhat the same as the first lady. I cannot judge a person by my experience with them. I have to see the more. I have to expect the more.
This is washing feet. This is laying aside self and self-interest to love as Jesus loves us. These are the lessons we all need. I have heard the term EGR (extra grace required). I hesitate to share it because I don’t want this to be the thing you get out of this. However, it states my case well. Though I saw each of these beautiful ladies as EGRs, I had to realize I was someone else’s EGR and that was humbling in the best of ways.
I am now the lady with gray streaks in her hair. I am the lady who has good things left to offer the world around her. I have a story and have experienced many things in my years on earth. Now I hope those around me will not dismiss me because of my current state. I hope they will accept me as valid and valuable still. I, too, will value and expect great things from the generations surrounding me. Whether younger or older, I will seek their story and treasure their importance. I will seek to find the deeper treasure.
Take a look at those around you and ask yourself if there is anyone in your life you are writing off because of their appearance or personality. Pray and ask Jesus how you can minister His heart to them. Ask, Lord, how can I wash their feet as You have washed mine? This is where the glory shines through. Also, honestly ask yourself if you have assigned one person to all of your troubles and struggles and find a way to change course.
“If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I have given you an example, that you should do as I have done to you. Most assuredly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master; nor is he who is sent greater than he who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them” (John 13:14-17).